Fortunes
by Gohanroxme
Summary: What happens when Krillin and Yamcha get desperate? Desperate enough to steal Baba's crystal ball just to see whether they get girls in life or not? But are they happy with the results? One-shot.


Fortunes

**Disclaimer: Did you really think that I owned DBZ? Well, I don't. So there.**

_A/N: Well, I really had fun writing this one . . . R&R!_

"C'mon . . . where the heck is it?"

"Did you check the drawers?"

"Uh, nah, duh!"

"Was it there?"

" . . . um, no."

"Yamcha, I seriously don't think we should be snooping like this."

Yamcha turned around slowly to look at the smaller warrior, withdrawing his head from other the couch. "Ugh, quit worrying man. No harm done, ok? It's not detrimental."

No. Krillin could disagree. If she caught them . . . lots of harm could be done.

But he stuck a hand between the couch cushions anyway. No luck.

"Goshdammit, Yamcha, she probably sleeps with that thing!"

"Then we've got to check her room, Krillin!"

No, he did not just say that. Ew. Krillin was dumbfounded. He was starting to think that Yamcha was getting a bit . . . desperate. Or maybe a lot.

Krillin fiddled with his thumbs. "You know Yamcha, we could just leave and forget we've ever broken into an old lady's home."

His older friend stared at him in shock, as if he were brain-damaged or something. "W-what? We can't just go now! We need to know, Krillin!"

"We don't _need_ to. Haven't you ever liked a surprise?" The smaller man inquired lackadaisically.

"But what if it's a bad one? What if . . . we never get one?"

Yeah. That was kinda bad. He and Yamcha . . . they were such good men. They helped save the world on many occasions so the least life could give to them was "the one."

"But, Yamcha," Krillin was biting his lip, "what if she gets _mad_?"

Yamcha glanced at him, stunned. "What— of course she'll get mad! We're breaking into her house and 'borrowing' her stuff. She'd be so pissed. That's why we have to be quiet."

Krillin wanted to throw up. His little heart was beating ten times it's normal rate. He figured he'd better calm down before his heart gave out and he . . . .

He swallowed thickly. "F-fine. No more bitching from me, heh, heh, I'll be silent. So silent. She would never even tell that we've been in her—"

"Just shut up and help me find her room, Krillin!"

But there were doors. Many, many doors. And none of them were even labeled! How the hell did she find her way in this house?

There was a light brown door that had what looked like a pillow engraved on the front.

Krillin turned the knob and peered inside.

There were bones everywhere, hanging from the ceiling, some littering the floor in heaps in the corners of the room.

The bald man's blood ran cold as he fought the urge not to scream. The urge nearly over powered him.

He shut the door silently and slowly, wondering about the bones. Did Baba do that to people who broke into her home? People who tried to steal from her?

Was Baba more than a fortuneteller?

No. She couldn't be. It was just his guilt and anxiety talking.

She was just a short, old, light-magenta-haired lady who he'd known since he was thirteen.

One who was damn good a poker, too.

"Yo, Krillin, didja find anything yet?" Came Yamcha's almost-quiet whisper from somewhere down the hall.

"No," he mumbled bitterly. "Nothing, yet."

He checked the next door, half expecting a tiger to jump out at him, or another dimension where a bad Krillin yanked him inside and popped out as his evil counterpart. Or that there was a train coming at him, about to hit him. Or— or _something._

But no. It was just a room full of mirrors and . . . bowls of water? Huh? He guessed it was good for fortune-telling or something . . . scrying. Back up for a . . . crystal ball, maybe? Incase . . . somebody decided to steal it?

Yamcha's harsh whispers knocked him from his thoughts. "Hey! Yo, Krillin! Found her room!"

Somewhat elated, Krillin silently darted over to the door Yamcha was standing at.

"You found it?"

The former bandit nodded. "Yeah. She's inside. Take a look."

Krillin creaked the door open a crack, peering through. And he gasped at the sight. Baba was sleeping . . . on top of her crystal ball! She _sat_ on it and _slept_ at the same time! Gosh, that must've been uncomfortable.

He gave Yamcha a fleeting look. "Dude! S-she _does_ sleep with it! How're we s'posed to borrow _that_?"

Yamcha fingered his x-shaped scar fondly, his face in a pondering expression. "Hmm . . . we can remove her?"

"_How_?" Krillin's voice was panicked. "How, huh? She doesn't even have a bed in there! What, do we remove her and put her on the _floor?_ She'll notice and wake up!"

He turned around sharply. "Know what, Yamcha? I'm chickening out! I'm not stealing from an old lady! I don't care if I get 'the one' in life anymore!"

The ex-baseball player released a knowing smirk. "Oh, you don't? Really? Who knows, maybe you would've gotten that android chick. _Juuhachigou." _

The ex-monk emitted a choking sound that related to a chicken gagging on a carrot, wheeling around slowly. "H-huh?"

"You know . . . blondy . . . Juunanagou's 'girlfriend.' That one you made an expectant wish for."

When Krillin found his voice, it was to say, "It wasn't expectant!"

"But don't you wanna see if you get her?" Yamcha asked slyly. "To see if you get her and get to . . . do things to her."

"W-what?" He stammered uncertainly. "Ew. _Ew,_ no. I don't wanna . . . _do things_ to her, Yamcha. I just wanna at least befriend her."

"Right, sure. Now," his old friend clasped his hands together, "I've got an idea. You still wax, right?"

Krillin had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Yes . . . ."

"C'mon, let's go in."

So the two of them entered the room on their toes, hopefully stealthily.

Krillin slowly approached the old fortuneteller who was, seated cross-legged on her pearl-white crystal ball, her head bowed, eyes closed, and poked her slack, right cheek.

"Oh, gosh. Seriously. Where are you gonna put her, Yamcha? Like I said, she'd awake on the floor."

Yamcha grinned mysteriously. "Oh, I got this covered. Well, actually, _you_ do."

The uneasy feeling grew a bit. "What?"

At that moment, Yamcha carefully removed Baba from the floating ball, it clattering, not soundlessly, to the floor, rolling to the corner once she was gone.

Krillin winced at the noise. "Seriously, Yamcha, don't you think you should be m—" He froze. Yamcha was coming toward him with his arms outstretched, Baba being thrust to him. Gosh, what was he _doing_?

"Yamcha? Yam-Yamcha, what the heck are you doing with her?"

"Quit backing away, Krillin," the ex-bandit ordered. "She's squirming . . . in her sleep?"

Krillin wondered if she did that normally, otherwise she would've fallen off her ball a lot. "B-but . . . what're coming towards me for?"

"I'm gonna set her on your well-waxed head. That way, she'd think it's the ball."

The ex-monk's grimace was very visible. Cuz an old lady's butt seated on your head was not exactly pleasant.

But . . .

. . . anything to see into ball, right?

"Fine. But go fetch the ball, Yamcha, it's in that corner. And let me see first."

_"What?"_ The scarred man twirled around sharply. "How come _you_ get to look first? You didn't even want to ten minutes ago!"

Krillin glared his eyes in a way that he hoped was deadly. "No . . . fair. I get an old lady's ass on my head while you peek at yourself in the ball? Lemme go first!"

Yamcha frowned. "I guess."

And then he watched Yamcha crawl into one of the left corners while trying to balance a slightly wriggling fortuneteller on his head.

When the ex-baseball player returned, he held the ball under his arm, then removed it when he neared Krillin, holding it out to him. "Here you go."

Krillin held it, wondering how such a heavy object could float so precisely. And then a blank expression crossed over his face.

"Oh, damn, Yamcha. How does this work? What do I say?"

"I . . . have no idea."

And Krillin began panicking again. Because stealing a woman's crystal ball, which just happened to be sitting on your head, when you don't know how to make it work, really does that to you.

He glanced down at it sadly. To think that he risked his neck to see into that ball without even knowing how to activate it. Gosh, how idiotic of them.

All he wanted was a little peek, really. Just a tiny look to see if he ever got married. That too hard to ask? Cuz all his life, he'd always wondered that. Cuz after all, he'd only had one girlfriend. And one extra hot cyborg kiss his cheek.

The warmth of it . . . the feel . . . even though he was terrified, he still had to give her props on her lips. They'd been super soft for a killer.

All he wanted to know was a tad up into the future. Gosh, how he wanted it. Soo badly. Because every good man who'd died for his planet deserved that. Every. Yamcha included, though only once.

And then, suddenly, the crystal ball began to glow into his hand, growing lighter.

Krillin stared at it in horror. What was happening to it?

Yamcha looked excited. "Dude! Look, its working!"

Oh.

It was glowing very brightly now, so light that it was practically floating in his fingers. He studied it, transfixed.

"What should I do next?"

"Just ask it what you want!"

"Oh, right." He cleared his throat, a bit embarrassed with the idea of talking to a glass ball, while Yamcha looked over his shoulder. "Will I ever get married?"

And the ball fogged up a whole lot, a black cloud forming inside. A few seconds later, it subsided.

There was an image, he noticed, and gazed more intently.

It was him, sitting all lonesome-like on a red couch, staring absently at a wall. His eyes looked red, as if crying. And he had _hair._ But more importantly, more _terrifyingly,_ it was the Kame House couch. It meant . . . that he hadn't yet moved outta that place with a house of his own. Probably without a wife too, cuz which lady would tolerate Roshi? Or Oolong?

The Krillin in the ball pulled out a tennis ball from the sofa and tossed it at a wall in a seeming burst of anger.

Gosh, and it seemed that future Krillin had some anger issues, too.

Krillin was totally about to despair about how messed up his future was turning out until . . . until . . .

. . . _she_ strolled in and sat on the other edge of the couch.

His breath hitched in his throat until he almost choked. _Juuhachigou._ And gosh, she was in his _house!_

"No way," Yamcha murmured, incredulous. "Nooo way. I was only _kidding_ about that!"

Krillin was holding the ball way too close to his eyes, being partially blinded by the light, but didn't care.

_"What do you want?"_ Future Krillin was asking bitterly. _"Got more criticizing things you wanna say about him?"_

Present Krillin wanted so jump in there and strangle him. Why was he using such an ugly tone with her?

Juuhachigou was staring the other way, mumbling what sounded like an, _"I'm sorry."_

It was weird though. How the crystal ball wasn't really giving him a good view on their faces or the voices. Just the blonde android's left hand. More importantly, her fourth finger.

"Oh, gosh," Yamcha gasped softly. "Is that a _ring?"_

Krillin couldn't find his voice to answer him. His tongue was too sandpaper-like.

Oh, gosh. _Gosh._ Had he _married_ her? Or was that just some random ring? If it was, then why'd Baba's ball show it to him?

His stomach had butterflies in it as the two in the ball kept on talking.

_" . . . ly wasn't right of me to talk about him like that. I mean, but he _is_ an idiot sometimes. You have to at least agree with me on _that_."_ Suddenly, the blonde's tone wasn't so sullen. _"And do you know what he did to girls? Gosh, not even Roshi would try that."_

Crystal Ball Krillin's voice was somewhat annoyed_. "Gosh, Juu, he's a Saiyan. He was raised in the woods."_

Aw, he even had a pet name for her!

_"Oh, he was bumped on the head too, right? That's why he's so stupid."_

_"He isn't _stupid_."_ His counterpart was _growling_ at her now, damn it! _"Just naive."_

Juuhachigou crossed her arms stubbornly. _"Oh, yeah. He asked you if you were a boy cuz he's naive. Sounds like stupidity to me."_

Future Krillin was frowning. _"I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you. You're just jealous, Juuhachigou."_

_"Of course I am! You have a _shrine_ of him next door to our room!"_

Krillin zeroed in on the "our room" bit.

_"It's not a shrine, damn it! It was his _room_, Juu!"_

Yamcha coughed a bit. "They're talking about Goku, I think."

Krillin nodded, somewhat astonished. "Gosh. She loves that lucky bastard. She's even jealous of Goku!"

And Krillin wanted to laugh. Loud and maniac-like. Loud and excitedly. Joyfully . . . _gleefully_. Gosh, that girl loved him, man! And he was gonna marry her and she was, like, so pretty, and he would not snarl at her like that bastard in the ball.

Never.

He glanced back at the ball. The scene'd changed.

They were now arguing over a dinner that Krillin had supposedly not cooked good.

_"Krillin, I see blood in my meat."_

_ "Well, gosh, it was you that made me rush! You kept claiming that you were starving to death!"_

_ "You didn't have to listen to me!"_

_ "Sometimes Juuhachigou, you're too complicated for me to decipher."_

_ "What's that supposed to mean?"_

The scene changed again:

He and Juuhachigou were at Capsule Corp., Chichi and Bulma being there too.

They were all arguing over who was the worst husband or something stupid like that.

The view changed for a fourth time:

The two of them seemed to be quarreling over who was changing some little girl's diaper, and oh my gosh, was that _his_ child? _Their_ child?

"How come you guys are always arguing?" Yamcha asked pointedly.

Krillin shrugged, still captivated with the fact of getting married to her . . . and the kid part. _Def_initely the kid part.

"Maybe . . . that's how they show their love? Like Vegeta and Bulma? Cuz you know those two are really nuts about each other, despite their differences."

Yamcha's face had gotten sour. "Dude, I really hope that you two are _not_ like them. They argue way too much."

"Well, I'm _sure_ Juuhachigou and I don't argue twenty-four-_seven_, _right_?" He half-asked the ball.

The scene changed again. It was a darker setting than all the rest. It— it _looked_ like Krillin's bedroom, but he couldn't be sure.

Baba's ball was zooming in on his bed, whose covers were strangely thrashing about, as if beings were . . . _wrestling_ underneath it.

"_Oh_!" Yamcha choked, clawing at his eyes. "Oh my fucking _gosh_! My _eyes_! Dude, Krillin, turn that _off!"_

Well, Krillin, he was transfixed with the sight, gazing in awe at the ball, thinking of how he needed to borrow it more often. "Duuude, guess who's not a virgin forever?" And he knew he _absolutely_ wouldn't be offspring-less either.

And man, was that _him_ groaning like that in there?

Yamcha was on the ground, dramatically grasping his throat, twitching. "Damn, damn, damn, _damn,_ I can't believe you, Krillin . . . ."

He thought his friend would've passed out already, except for the fact that he hadn't yet had his turn.

Krillin continued to stare into the ball until he thought Yamcha would finally faint without his turn, or that Baba would suddenly lean forward and fall, bonking her head, before he whispered his super-sincere thank-you to the crystal ball.

"Is it my turn yet?" Yamcha croaked weakly from floor. "Y-you guys made _too_ much noises."

"Sure." His cheery voice had probably made the ex-bandit vomit a bit in his mouth as he had to bend steadily to keep Baba stable while passing her ball on. It was now dull and hefty again.

The scar-faced man was now sitting eagerly, cross-legged, holding the glass sphere within his hands, examining it.

"_Ohhh_, yeah . . . how does this work again?"

Krillin frowned. "Oh, right . . . well, that's the hard part. You have to be on the verge of a despaired breakdown."

The ex-baseball player grimaced. "Oh . . . kay, then."

He was making a bunch of faces too, fidgeting around on the floor, giving Krillin the idea that he was trying to fart, or something.

"Hey, Yamcha, are you about to . . . ? Cuz why don't you turn the other way . . . ."

But then the ball started shining again, Krillin eager to see about his friend, who'd asked the same thing as him: "Will I ever get married? Or at least another steady girlfriend?"

The crystal globe went completely white before shimmering harder, an image forming inside.

It showed Future Yamcha sitting glumly on his house's couch, his hair longer, his head in his hands, and Puar as a broom, sweeping in the background.

Present Yamcha seemed jubilant. "Duuude! This is exactly how _you_ started off! And next think I know, a hot, blonde chick's gonna walk in and tell me sorry. You _watch_."

But Krillin wasn't so sure. Yamcha always _lost_ in arguments. So why would he be arguing them anyway? Especially with a girl he'd wanna keep around?

_"I'm so _lonely_,"_ Future Yamcha moaned to his flying broomstick.

And Krillin could've sworn he'd seen the Yamcha beside him's eyes just _shatter_.

Puar had then changed back into a cat, and put a tiny hand (paw?) on his shoulder. "_Hey, don't sweat it, Yamcha. You have me, don't you?"_

Future Yamcha buried his face deeper into his hands. _"I guess. But everyone has a woman but me. Vegeta's got Bulma, Krillin's got Juuhachigou_—" Krillin perked up a bit. _Yes_! "—, _and Tien's got Launch_. _It's really not fair. I'm just as good as any of them."_

"_Maybe you were just _meant_ to be single,"_ Puar stated, Krillin feeling Yamcha stiffen beside him. _"I mean, everyone else _deserves_ a woman." _

Both present and future Yamcha were wearing an expression that said_, "Oh, my, gosh, Puar, you're _so not helping!"

Puar paused for a second. _"Ok, ok, fine, but I meant you're pretty normal. Tien's got three eyes, he's lucky a girl even thought about living with him. I doubt anyone but Bulma would go for a space pirate. And Krillin . . . you know he has bad luck."_

Future Yamcha blinked. "_That does make sense_."

Yamcha wasn't even looking into the ball anymore. "Ok, ok, enough. Just whatever . . . ."

And Krillin had to feel sorry for his friend . . . the friend that was the most psyched about stealing Baba's ball, only to not get a lady, while he ended up getting the woman of his dreams. So not fair.

The ball's glow faded and went.

Krillin bit his lip, glancing timidly at the ex-bandit. "Um, it's ok, Yamcha. We'll make sure that . . . won't happen."

Shrugging, Yamcha stood up. "Eh, whatever. It's better that way, for me, not getting hooked to one woman."

_"Oh, so Yamcha's a player?"_

Yamcha frowned, glaring at him. "That's not what I meant, Krillin."

But Krillin had frozen, thinking he'd felt his heart stop for a second.

"Y-Yam . . . t-that wasn't . . . me . . . ."

And then he saw Yamcha's jaw drop, horrified, as he raised a shaking finger to point at the top of his head, mouthing one word, _"Baba."_

Oh, crap.

Slowly, Krillin's eyes glanced upward. It was dark, but under a pointed hat, he could see the whites of someone's eyes.

His stomach dropped. He wanted to vomit. What should he do now? She was awake and seemed to have no intention of getting off his head anytime soon.

At last, she spoke again: "Krillin, your head's a complete oval. Do you think I'm that thick? My crystal ball is _cold_. And you have some nerve taking it like it."

When his mouth still refused to work, Baba lithely leapt of from his head, snatched the ball from Yamcha's hands, and sat on it, closing her eyes.

They could only gape at her, still baffled.

Finally, when Krillin was sure she was asleep again, (seriously, why the he was she sleeping _now_?) he stammered to Yamcha, "W-what just . . . ?"

And Yamcha just shook his head, his expression bewildered. "S-she's really not _mad_? Now, what kind of lady is _she_?"

Well, she was a wonderful lady. The best lady ever for not tearing their heads off for breaking into her home and using her things.

But it was also un-Baba-like.

Krillin poked her timidly. "B-Baba, are you _sleeping_?"

When there was no audible or visible reply, the two friends grinned stupidly at each other. They were off the hook, _scot_-free.

And Krillin was gonna marry that awesome android chick. And Yamcha would be a single man. And Krillin would do everything in his power to make sure that his end of the future came true.

_A/N: Well, that's the ending. It was a quick finish there, I know, cuz I didn't know how to end it off. But I hoped you liked it nonetheless. R&R! _


End file.
